Home again?

At the beginning of September I fled an abusive relationship. It was something I spent months trying to figure out how to do, and I remain nervous about how things are going to go in the coming months. Even now I am nervous about I can say publicly as I’m fairly certain I’m not exactly safe. But I’m getting there – or at least I hope so.

I am returning to Boston this coming week. I still do not have long term housing sorted out, but I am continuing to search. This means a number of things, and I have done applications, and I hope being in the city again will make this easier. I have to see my doctors as health issues have piled up in my time away and my cardiology appointment has been moved up (just this morning) to Tuesday. This is good for my body, as my heart meds have ceased being as effective as they were, but stressful as I was hoping for a little bit more time for financial things to settle a little.

I continue to have access to my services, but some of the emergency services I was unable to access out of state. I am awaiting money from a research program and some online things, but as of now, I do not have enough to cover my needs to get home with Zelda (a mere $95 pet fee). Zelda has to go home to Boston with me, as she can not stay here with my generous friends who have put us up despite their allergies to her. She does have friends to stay with when we get back. (Plus, she flies great with me. I don’t know that it’ll be that easy with anyone else.)

I’ve been going through an existential¬†crisis of the kind I haven’t had since I first became sick, and it’s a strange process to live through. Not being sure why I’ve been fighting through this illness, tackling days despite wanting nothing more than to curl up and die, trying to live with the day to day uncertainty of what tomorrow may or may not bring, living through this very intense election cycle while grappling with the very real struggle of where will I sleep next week?

I don’t know that I have any solid answers. I don’t know really why or how I am going to find them, but I know that the things that have given me purpose in the past have been writing, sharing, and trying to find purpose in this struggle I have been handed. So I have a tiny plan.

I am going to blog here again. I’m going to try to do this thing that helped connect me to people and see if that helps open up my connection to the world again. Hopefully advocacy, writing, sharing, and trying to find my way out of homelessness and anxiety will be something that will be helpful to me and to someone else.

To be frank, to ask for continued support, financial and otherwise, I absolutely feel like I have to contribute something to society. I have things I want to give and right now I am desperately trying to keep myself above “stare at the wall and never move”. I realized that maybe that is something I can contribute. I’m not alone in that, and if I can find my path out of this back to food, writing, and recovery from this overwhelming PTSD, and offer someone else a hand… well, maybe that is of value.

If you would like to help with the costs of living (like keeping my things in storage till I find a housing situation), you can support me directly via PayPal or through the¬†GoFundMe that my friend set up. I am working on a Patreon type idea, but that’s something that’s very hard to do when I am also packing and prepping to go home, and not sure where I am landing but I am trying in my spare moments. I will write more about these ideas in a future post. Maybe we can discuss this together?

Once I get back to Boston and deal with certain medical priorities, my next steps will be dealing with social services. That and getting my warmer clothes out of my storage unit if I can. I understand it’s been cold back home.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I’m so very, very tired. One step at a time.