Home again?

At the beginning of September I fled an abusive relationship. It was something I spent months trying to figure out how to do, and I remain nervous about how things are going to go in the coming months. Even now I am nervous about I can say publicly as I’m fairly certain I’m not exactly safe. But I’m getting there – or at least I hope so.

I am returning to Boston this coming week. I still do not have long term housing sorted out, but I am continuing to search. This means a number of things, and I have done applications, and I hope being in the city again will make this easier. I have to see my doctors as health issues have piled up in my time away and my cardiology appointment has been moved up (just this morning) to Tuesday. This is good for my body, as my heart meds have ceased being as effective as they were, but stressful as I was hoping for a little bit more time for financial things to settle a little.

I continue to have access to my services, but some of the emergency services I was unable to access out of state. I am awaiting money from a research program and some online things, but as of now, I do not have enough to cover my needs to get home with Zelda (a mere $95 pet fee). Zelda has to go home to Boston with me, as she can not stay here with my generous friends who have put us up despite their allergies to her. She does have friends to stay with when we get back. (Plus, she flies great with me. I don’t know that it’ll be that easy with anyone else.)

I’ve been going through an existential crisis of the kind I haven’t had since I first became sick, and it’s a strange process to live through. Not being sure why I’ve been fighting through this illness, tackling days despite wanting nothing more than to curl up and die, trying to live with the day to day uncertainty of what tomorrow may or may not bring, living through this very intense election cycle while grappling with the very real struggle of where will I sleep next week?

I don’t know that I have any solid answers. I don’t know really why or how I am going to find them, but I know that the things that have given me purpose in the past have been writing, sharing, and trying to find purpose in this struggle I have been handed. So I have a tiny plan.

I am going to blog here again. I’m going to try to do this thing that helped connect me to people and see if that helps open up my connection to the world again. Hopefully advocacy, writing, sharing, and trying to find my way out of homelessness and anxiety will be something that will be helpful to me and to someone else.

To be frank, to ask for continued support, financial and otherwise, I absolutely feel like I have to contribute something to society. I have things I want to give and right now I am desperately trying to keep myself above “stare at the wall and never move”. I realized that maybe that is something I can contribute. I’m not alone in that, and if I can find my path out of this back to food, writing, and recovery from this overwhelming PTSD, and offer someone else a hand… well, maybe that is of value.

If you would like to help with the costs of living (like keeping my things in storage till I find a housing situation), you can support me directly via PayPal or through the GoFundMe that my friend set up. I am working on a Patreon type idea, but that’s something that’s very hard to do when I am also packing and prepping to go home, and not sure where I am landing but I am trying in my spare moments. I will write more about these ideas in a future post. Maybe we can discuss this together?

Once I get back to Boston and deal with certain medical priorities, my next steps will be dealing with social services. That and getting my warmer clothes out of my storage unit if I can. I understand it’s been cold back home.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I’m so very, very tired. One step at a time.

Thank you

It’s been a busy couple weeks with doctors. Doctors I got to see thanks to the generous ones of you who helped me by donating a few dollars (or several) to help me cover meds and doctors.

You’ll probably see a personal email from me shortly. I’m trying to catch up before my birthday arrives next week and whirlwinds my life away for a bit.

If you’d like updates on my health, more ideas and thoughts about dealing with chronic pain & illness, or simply are interested in things I have to say, I’d suggest following along at Painy Days.

scooting around my mind

Time is my most precious commodity. There’s so much to be done, so many amazing people to talk to, work on and be with. I am one lucky lady to know so many awesome, brilliant people. I am deeply grateful both for the awesome work I get to do and the amazing people I am friends with and get to work with.

I also deeply prize my time alone, inside my own head, with out work to do. Now, to be honest, I work hard and it’s likely that nearly anything can start my brain racking at some new idea. It can, at times, be a challenge to get my brain to stop when I’m by myself.

Yet, I’ve found one thing that clears my head entirely: scooting.

See riding the scooter requires your full attention. Even with experience, you’ve gotta be on the ball. Crazy people will try to pass you, people pulling out won’t see you, and pot holes could take you down if you hit ’em the wrong way. When you are on the scooter there is only one thing you can do safely – drive.

It’s a great way to transition. I get to work ready to work. I arrive at meetings, the last thing far from my thoughts. I pull up to see a friend, happy to be there, un-distracted by work.

I especially love long drives. The breeze on my skin, the pure sense of speed (I go up to 55mph comfortably), the constant physical awareness of my self, the road & other cars. I could scoot for hours.

It’s my space – there inside my helmet, the miles passing beneath my wheels. I’ve clocked nearly 2,000 miles in the last five months. All of them silent, calm, and happy.

I sing in there. Lifting my voice to old favorite’s or old Girl Scout camp songs. No one can hear me when I’m going 50mph and singing Amazing Grace, and no one needs to. It lifts my heart.

Scooter time is me time. Me, the scooter and the long road rolling out before me with all the cool air a girl could need. It’s where I think, where I sing, and where I get back in touch with my center.

All of which gives me peace of mind.

(That’s not me in the picture. It’s my roommate when she was borrowing my scooter. She looks awesome on it!)

tea for weight loss

Few things get me as worked up as seeing ads for “wulong tea helps you lose weight.” (Using the word “blog” instead of the word “post” does, however, make me even more upset. You have been warned.)

First, let me state that yes, tea has been scientifically proven to help with any number of health issues from stroke risk to teeth strength to ADHD. I grant all of those uses. I get that some people want a pill, drink or magic wand to cure themselves, instead of choosing a healthy diet and lifestyle. I don’t like it and like even less how marketer’s abuse it.

I don’t think you should drink tea for the health benefits. I won’t sell you tea just to serve this purpose or that. At Felicitea, we’ll sell teas that “help” with those things, but I don’t make promises. There’s a reason the FDA won’t let you say those things, my reason however is simpler – it’s just ridiculous and, in my mind, a bit immoral.

Yes, I’m calling out part of the tea industry. Especially the people who sell tea for weight loss.

You know what will help you lose weight? Cutting out liquid calories. Replaced all of your soda, mochas and over-sweetened juices with water, black coffee or unsweetened tea, and magically you will lose weight. Why? Because you just cut out extra calories.

Here is the great secret of weight loss*: Consume less calories, burn more calories.

Stop drinking soda, stop pouring two teaspoons of sugar into your tea cup, stop putting full cream in your coffee and stop consuming artificial sweeteners that mess with your bodies food directives.

Drink tea because it is delicious. Eat food because it is satisfying. Listen to your body, don’t eat for any reason other then hunger.

But don’t expect a magic pill, cup of tea or spa treatment to change your body.

The only person who can do that is You.

*For most people. I have struggled with weight issues my whole life, so I understand that it’s not *that* simple if you have health issues that effect your weight.